


Worlds Away

by givebackmylifecas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel Needs a Hug, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Getting Together, Hurt Castiel, Interdimensional Travel, M/M, Multiple Universes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 11:40:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14519745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: "In all the infinite, incalculable number of worlds, you don’t love me. But what’s worse, is that I didn’t need to ask to know that I love you in any world, unconditionally – and unrequited.”, Cas says, pulling away from Dean.Castiel is sent to a place between worlds, with infinite doorways through which he must travel to return home. All of the worlds he visits have something in common: Dean doesn't love him. His world is the same - or is it?





	Worlds Away

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in some indeterminate time in the second half of Season 13 so mild spoilers for that. No trigger warnings that I can think of, Cas does cry a bit but fear not, it all sorts itself out in the end.

It wasn’t Jack’s fault, he had warned Castiel after all. He had told him that he didn’t need his help, that he could close the rift alone, that Castiel might only get in the way. Looking back, Castiel had to admit that had wounded his pride a little – and that was why he insisted on helping Jack, even though he didn’t need help.

So one large bang and some very destabilised grace later, here Castiel was – wherever here is, he doesn’t actually know. It looks like a forest, he is surrounded by trees and the sunlight filtering down through their dense canopy tints the whole world green. It would be like any other forest Castiel has visited during his time on earth, if it weren’t for the perfectly round pools of water that are dotted around the wood for as far as he can see. The pools are perfectly still, not a single ripple or wave marring the surface and they seem to be emanating their own light, which seems strange, even to someone with his life experience.

He kneels beside the nearest one and is about to dip his fingers in the clear water, when he hears someone behind him speak.

“Please don’t touch the water.”, they say and Castiel jumps to his feet, spinning to find out who spoke.

It’s an androgynous looking person, with long white hair, who is dressed in a sort of smock that looks like it has been woven out of the same sort of leaves that are attached to the branches gently swaying above Castiel’s head.

“Who are you?”, he asks, reaching for his angel-blade. The person gives an approximation of a smile that makes all of Castiel’s hair stand on end.

“My name is Fogg, I am the guardian of the worlds.”, It says and Castiel feels the inexplicable urge to kneel – he resists it for the moment.

“Forgive me, but I still don’t understand who you are.”, he says politely and Fogg gives him another hair-raising smile.

“Castiel Noromi Ol Oiad, I am surprised in you. All of your brothers and sisters knew who I was when they met me. You knew who I was the last time you were here – although I admit you were only here briefly before you passed from the Empty back into the human world.”, Fogg tells him.

Castiel frowns. “I remember my time in the Empty and I remember returning to Earth. I do not remember you.”

Fogg waves a slim hand dismissively. “Do not worry, it is to be expected that your brain is somewhat scrambled, considering how many times you have died.”

“That is all very well, but I still don’t understand who you are… Fogg. What do you mean, you are the ‘guardian of the worlds’?”, Castiel asks irritably. He is getting rather tired of this creature and just wants to go home.

“You now know about alternate dimensions, yes? You and those Winchester boys have visited them. Well, each of these pools is the doorway to one of the dimensions.”, Fogg says, gesturing to the pool of water they are standing beside. “When your Father created the universe in all its infinite variations, he also created this place. It’s a hallway of sorts and with it, he created me to watch over it.”

Castiel remembers now, this creature that he is talking to is one of the ancient beings. Older than Castiel or any of his siblings, or even the Empty.

“What am I doing here?”, he asks instead. Fogg makes an abortive gesture that Castiel thinks might be an attempt at a shrug.

“My best guess is that when you tried to help Lucifer’s Nephilim close the doorway your Winchesters foolishly opened, your grace, ah, ‘got in the way’ and you were transported here. Rather lucky, when one thinks of the worlds you could have ended up in.”

Castiel nods earnestly. “I agree, but I do think I’d like to go home now.”

Fogg gestures at the surrounding area. “Go ahead.”

“Um, which doorway do I take?”, Castiel asks and is once again met with that disturbing smile.

“I don’t know.”, It says simply.                                 

“What do you mean you don’t know? You’re the guardian of the worlds! And you seem to have a lot of knowledge about what’s been going on in mine!”, Castiel says angrily.

“Yes well, I can see what is going on in any world right now, but that doesn’t mean that I know which doorway leads where.”, Fogg says impassively.

Castiel sinks to the ground. “How am I to get home? There are an infinite number of doors here!”

Fogg crouches beside him. “When you were sent here from the Empty, you went in one of those, although I can’t remember which one.”, It says, pointing at a cluster of pools to their left. “Why don’t you try them until you find your world?”

“How am I to get back, if it’s the wrong one, though?”, Castiel asks despairingly.

Fogg pulls a leaf from his tunic, and carves a strange symbol in it with one of its long fingernails. The symbol immediately begins to glow with a clear, white light.“Take this. If you find you’re in the wrong world, simply squeeze it and you will come back here so that you can try a different doorway. When you reach your world, it will stop glowing and be rendered useless. That way I know I won’t be receiving unexpected visitors and you know you are home.”

Castiel accepts the leaf gratefully. “Thank you.”

“Come, it is one of these seven.”, Fogg says, leading Castiel over to the cluster of pools he had indicated earlier.

Castiel follows and stands at the edge of the one closest to him. “Thank you for your help. I hope this is goodbye.”, he says.

“As do I, Castiel Noromi Ol Oiad, as do I. But if it isn’t, don’t be disheartened. You might learn something about your life in one of the other worlds.”, Fogg says, before turning and leaving Castiel alone by the pool.

Castiel mutters a quick prayer to his Father, before clutching the leaf tightly and jumping into the pool. Instead of water, as he had expected, Castiel lands on cold concrete.

He looks around and finds that he is in the Bunker’s kitchen. For a moment, he thinks he got it right on the first try, but a quick glance at the leaf shows that it is still glowing brightly. He is about to give it a squeeze so that he can return to the forest, when a Sam walks into the kitchen and immediately envelopes Castiel in a hug.

“Cas, thank goodness you came back. I’m sorry Dean was such a dick earlier, I think he was just annoyed that you walked in on him in the motel this morning. You know what he’s like when he’s with Mitch.”, Sam says, when he finally lets go of Castiel.

“Mitch?”, Castiel asks, dumbfounded by this world. This Sam seems so similar to the one he knows, but something is off. He just isn’t quite the Sam that Castiel knows.

Other-Sam is now banging around the kitchen making tea. “Yeah. Look, I know you haven’t really had the chance to get to know him yet, but he really is a good guy. It took me some getting used to, as well – I mean, Dean with a boyfriend? Who would have thought? But they just work so well together, you know?”

“Yes.”, Castiel murmurs numbly. This world was clearly different from his own. He had known that Dean had tendencies that were not as heterosexual as he would like to pretend, but as far as he knew, Dean had never acted on them. But here it seemed to be different.

“Um, I have to go.”, he says to Other-Sam, squeezing the leaf tightly. He has just enough time to see Other-Sam’s expression of surprise before he finds himself sprawled on the grass next to the pool he had just jumped into.

“I see you have returned.”, Fogg says from behind him, although this time Castiel is less surprised. “That is an interesting world you visited. Very similar to yours, although much more progressive when it comes to human rights. I’m sure you noticed some differences.”

Castiel pushes himself to his feet, ignoring Fogg. He doesn’t want to think about the differences, about a Dean comfortable enough with his sexuality to have a boyfriend, about Dean with another man. He moves to the next pool and simply gives Fogg a terse nod, before jumping feet first into… a motel.

He’s spent enough time in them with Sam and Dean to know that’s where he is. He only has a minute to get his bearings before he’s being shoved against a wall, with an angel-blade held to his throat and Dean Winchester’s face inches from his own. He doesn’t need to look at the leaf to know that this isn’t his world. Or his Dean. This Dean has an ugly scar that reaches from the corner of his left eye, down to his chin and across his throat.

“Who the hell are you?”, Scarred-Dean asks him.

“C-Castiel.”, he chokes out as Scarred-Dean presses the angel-blade harder against his throat.

“Bullshit.”, he spits. “Castiel’s dead, has been for years. That son-of-a-bitch didn’t even make it a day in the apocalypse.”

This must be a world similar to the one they rescued Mary and Jack from.

“I am Castiel, but not yours. I’m from a different world. I’m trying to get back to mine.”, he tries to explain, but Scarred-Dean looks unimpressed.

“Maybe you’re telling the truth. But maybe you aren’t and I can’t take that chance.”, he says, his eyes cold as he raises the angel blade to strike a killing blow. Castiel squeezes his leaf and he’s back in the forest before Scarred-Dean can kill him.

It’s true Dean had stabbed him the first time they had met on Earth, but even then – when he was scared and angry – he had not looked at Castiel with such cold, blind hatred.

“Try again, I suppose?”, he hears Fogg ask, as scrambles to his feet and jumps into the next pool.

He lands on the floor of a wooden Cabin. It’s dark, with only a few candles flickering and the smell of incense heavy in the air. He looks around himself and sees a bed directly in front of him. There are people in the bed, he realises, two of them. He hears a soft moan and realises he has clearly interrupted a couple doing what he had once heard Gabriel call the “horizontal tango”.

“Woah, trippy!”, one of the people in the bed says and Cas looks up to stare directly into his own eyes. Other-Castiel climbs off the other person and out of the bed to stand – naked – in front of Cas.

“Hey, where did you go?”, the person still in bed asks, and rolls over. Cas has to hold in a sharp gasp when he realises it is Dean. He should squeeze the leaf and leave, this clearly isn’t his world, but it fills him with such warmth to see that at least in this world, a version of himself gets to be with Dean – even if he doesn’t.

“Hello Dean.”, he says with a warm smile. It isn’t reciprocated. The Naked-Dean lying in the bed has eyes almost as cold as the Scarred-Dean who wanted to kill him.

“Who the fuck is this?”, Naked-Dean asks angrily. Other-Castiel smiles, it doesn’t reach his eyes which seem glassy and unfocussed. Cas has a sinking feeling in his stomach – is this the world Zachariah sent Dean to when he was trying to convince him to say yes to Michael?

“It’s me.”, Other-Castiel says. “But not me. You’re from another world, right?”, he asks and Cas nods.

“Well tell him to go back there.”, Naked-Dean says. “It’s bad enough having one powerless angel here, but at least you have your uses.” His eyes roam hungrily up Other-Castiel’s body and Cas shudders.

Before Cas can say anything, Other-Castiel pulls him into a hug. “I hope your world is kinder.”, he whispers to Cas, so quietly he almost isn’t sure if he heard him right. Then he releases Cas and steps back.

Cas gives his other self a sad smile, before squeezing the leaf and returning to the forest.

He takes a moment to gather himself, then moves on to the next pool. Thankfully, Fogg doesn’t seem to be there this time. Castiel isn’t sure he could handle having to listen to him talk about whatever world he just saw where all he seems to be is another body for Dean to use.

This time, he is in somebody’s garden. He knows this garden. He stood here, years ago, watching Dean rake leaves. This is Lisa’s garden.

His stomach twists itself into knots as he looks over at the house and sees a Dean, about the same age as his Dean, through the window. This Dean is laughing and leaning down to kiss Lisa. He looks happy and Castiel can’t stand to watch any longer. He closes his eyes and when he opens them again he is back in the forest.

This time, Fogg is there too.

“Strange is it not? How worlds can change with just one detail altered? In that one, you defeated Raphael, but you died in the process. Dean stayed with Lisa, Sam stayed in hell and the version of you that died there, stayed in the Empty.”, Fogg says in its nasally voice.

Castiel isn’t sure he can stand to go to another world just yet, so he asks: “What do you think I can possibly learn in these worlds?”

Fogg fixes him with an emotionless stare. “Visit another one and find out.”

Castiel sighs in acquiescence and steps into the fifth pool.

“I thought I told you to leave?”

Dean’s voice greets him as Castiel stumbles into what appears to be Bobby’s living room in Sioux Falls.

“I um…”, Cas says intelligently, looking over to where another Dean is sat, clutching a half-empty bottle of whiskey.

Dean sighs. “Look buddy, I get it. You’re confused, you don’t understand how to human yet, whatever. But friends don’t kiss each other. People who love each other kiss and you don’t love me, you’re just confused. And I don’t love you, I don’t swing that way. Capiche?”

Castiel stares, stunned. “I capiche.”, he whispers, squeezing the leaf so tightly, he worries he might destroy it.

His eyes are blurry from what he knows must be tears, but Fogg doesn’t look any less disturbing – especially up close.

“You’re crying.”, it points out and Castiel lets out something between a laugh and a sob, still kneeling on the ground.

“I know you aren’t supposed to divulge the secrets of other worlds.”, he says quietly. “But would you answer one question for me?”

Fogg stares at him for a long time, before nodding.

Castiel takes a breath and asks: “Does he love me in any of them?”

“I do not think in any of the worlds that I have seen, in this very moment, that you are with him the way you want. Although I cannot see the future, only the present.”, Fogg says the last part as if it should be a consolation. Castiel doesn’t need to see the future to know what is in front of him, to know that he is alone in every world.

He dusts himself off as he gets to his feet. “Thank you. I supposed there is only a 50% chance that I will see you again, so maybe this really is goodbye.”

Fogg nods and Castiel steps into the sixth pool.

He is in the bunker again – the library this time – and he knows he must be home because the leaf grows hot in his hand and when he looks down, it has stopped glowing and is lying brown and shrivelled up in his palm.

“Castiel!”

He looks up and sees Jack and Sam jumping up from their seats at one of the tables and rushing towards him.

“You’re back!”, Jack says happily as he wraps his arms around him.

Sam claps him on the shoulder and smiles. “It’s good to have you back, Cas!”

“Are you okay? Where were you?”, Jack asks, excitedly and Castiel tries and fails to hold back a smile at his enthusiasm.

“I am unharmed, thank you. It is hard to explain, I suppose I was between worlds and had to travel through a few before I made it here.”, he says and Jack’s smile lights up his whole face.

Sam looks like he wants to hear more about the other worlds, but instead says: “Let me go and get Dean.”

Castiel’s heart sinks to his stomach like a stone. He knows that the Deans he met in the other worlds weren’t his Dean. But Fogg confirmed that they did all share one very important trait and the memory of the disappointment in the last Dean’s eyes as he told him that he didn’t love Castiel is fresh enough to sting. “Oh, you don’t have to. I’m sure he’s busy, there’s no need to bother him.”, Cas says and Sam frowns.

“What are you talking about? He’s been beside himself with worry, he’ll want to see you!”

Castiel smiles sadly. “Tell him that I’m fine. I really should be going though, we still don’t know how to stop Michael so I should go and speak to Heaven again.”

He turns and starts walking to the garage before Sam can say anything else, but he hears both him and Jack calling his name.

He gets to his truck, without either of them having followed him and he fully intends to get on the road immediately but when he turns on the motor, his truck is filled with music from the cassette that Dean made him and for a moment Castiel thinks his vessel is damaged because his chest aches and his vision is blurry with tears again.

He sits there for a while, trying to – as Dean would say - get a grip. Eventually he decides he’ll have to start driving, even with the hole in his chest, because it doesn’t seem like it’s going to go away. He puts the truck in reverse and is about to lift his foot off the brake, when the passenger door opens and Dean slides in. Castiel doesn’t say anything, but he puts his truck back in park. Dean reaches over and turns off the stereo and they sit in silence for a moment before Dean speaks. “Sam said you were back. He also said you were leaving again.”

Castiel nods, but still doesn’t speak. He doesn’t trust himself to.

“Why are you leaving? Are you okay, buddy?”, Dean asks and that word: “buddy” makes Cas want to cry because that’s what the drunk Dean had called him when he told him he didn’t want him. And this Dean doesn’t either.

Cas clears his throat, trying to swallow the lump left there from trying not to cry. “I’m fine, Dean. But you should go.”

Dean puts his hand on Castiel’s knee. “Cas, please talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

A clean break, that’s what Castiel needs. Maybe if he just gets it all out in the open, then this Dean will tell him to leave, just like the other Dean. Then he can just keep driving and never have to pine over Dean Winchester again. Out of sight, out of mind.

Castiel has been around for millennia. He knows that isn’t how love works. But he’ll try anyway.

“Did Sam tell you where I was, when I was gone?”, he asks and Dean nods.

“He said you were between worlds. Did something happen to you there?”, he asks, angrily.

Castiel shakes his head. “No. Well, yes. But no one hurt me. Over there, there were the doorways to every single possible world and the person that guards the doorways couldn’t tell me which one led back here, beyond narrowing it down to a handful. So I had to travel through a few before I got here.” He glances up at Dean, who still has his hand on Cas’ knee, and is met with the full intensity of his green eyes upon him. “You were there. I didn’t always see or speak to you, but you were in all of them.”

“Must’ve been weird seeing different mes.”, Dean says with a slight smile and Cas can’t help but return it.

“Yes, it was strange. But all of them had something in common.”

Dean frowns. “What was it?”, he asks, but Castiel ignores him.

“I hoped it was an anomaly, so I asked the guardian to confirm what I thought and he told me…”, Castiel chokes, unable to continue.

“Cas.”, Dean says softly. “What did he tell you?”

Cas takes a shuddering breath, his tears falling in earnest now. “That in all the infinite, incalculable number of worlds, you don’t love me. But what’s worse, is that I didn’t need to ask to know that I love you in any world, unconditionally – and unrequited.”, Cas says and pulls his knee out from under Dean’s hand.

The silence builds between them, broken only by Cas’ ragged breaths as he tries to stop crying.

“You’re wrong.”

If Castiel hadn’t seen Dean’s lips move, he wouldn’t have believed he had spoken.

A flash of anger flares through him. “I assure you, I know myself. I’m not wrong, Dean. Now please get out of my truck so I can leave. I’ve already had to hear your “I don’t love you” speech once today.”, he tells Dean, who is still sitting, immobile, in the passenger seat.

“No.”

“Dean, I really need you to – hmpf!” Castiel is cut off by Dean lunging across the space between them and kissing him, hard, on the mouth. He allows himself to melt into it, before pulling away. He had seen this version of things with Other-Castiel and Naked-Dean. He had no desire to be anyone’s sex-toy.

“Dean please don’t make this harder than it needs to be. You don’t love me so please don’t give me false –“

He is once more cut off by Dean kissing him. This time, Dean pulls away, but immediately presses a hand to Cas’ mouth so he can’t speak.

“Cas, you idiot, listen to me! I love you!”, Dean says and Cas shakes his head in denial. Dean kisses him again, softer this time. Cas almost believes him. “What exactly did that guardian say to you?”, Dean demands.

“He said that at present there was no reality where we were together the way I want us to be.”, Castiel says and Dean frowns.

“At present?”

“Yes.”

“So only in that very moment?”

“Yes.”

“Not in the future?”

“I… I suppose not.”

“Cas you fucking idiot”, Dean exclaims before leaning forward and kissing Castiel again. “I’m going to tell you again, and I swear I’ll keep saying it until you believe me: I love you, Cas! I love you. You’re it for me. There’s never going to be anyone I love more than you and frankly there never has been. So if you’d rather believe some weirdo doorman – who can’t even see into the future – over me, then maybe I should get out of this truck and let you drive away.”

Castiel blinks several times, just staring, after Dean’s little outburst.

“You… you love me?”, he asks and Dean nods, blushing a little but still holding Cas’ face between his hands.

“I suppose Fogg did say it could change in the future… I just didn’t expect it to be so soon.”, Castiel says to himself.

“It’s not soon enough. I’ve loved you for years, Cas. Just never had the balls to say it until now.”, Dean says softly, and he looks honestly embarrassed.

Castiel slides down the bench seat to wrap his arms around Dean. It seems almost too good to be true, but if it is a dream he isn’t sure he wants to wake up.

“Why did you tell me now?”, he asks as Dean returns his embrace, wrapping him in the scent of leather and his cologne.

Dean sighs. “Because I couldn’t let you go another minute thinking I didn’t love you. I spent years thinking you didn’t love me and the minute I knew you did, I couldn’t let you go on thinking the same thing.”

Cas pulls back just enough to be able to angle his face just right and then he is kissing Dean, like he’s the only thing keeping him alive. Dean kisses back with equal enthusiasm and Cas can’t help but think of all the other Castiels in the other worlds and hope that one day they can be as happy as he is in this moment.

“I love you, Dean.”, he says, burying his face in Dean’s neck.

He feel Dean press a kiss to the top of his. “Love you too, sweetheart. I’m sorry I ever let you think otherwise.”

 

Back in the forest, Fogg smiles. He hopes this is just the first of millions of Castiel’s who get their happy ending. He just has to hope they manage it by themselves, he can’t send all of them to alternate universes after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Look who's back with more Hurt/Comfort, it's me and I'm procrastinating instead of studying. This was once again written in the middle of the night so let me know if you find any mistakes, also props to whoever figures out where I blatantly stole the idea of the forest from.
> 
> As alway leave me Kudos or a Comment if you didn't think this was absolute trash - or even if you did, whatever floats your boat - or feel free to stop by my tumblr (@hefellfordean)


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